imissyoumoreimissyoumoreimissyoumoreimissyoumoreimissyoumoreimissyoumore

a million times over.

now to start my rough draft

I was going to say that it cant be the weather that has me feeling this gross but it is.

the weather, the classes, christmas.
the only one im actually okay with are the classes.. well for now.
they seem to be pretty easy, its not like we have an eight page essay to do in a day, for eng its primarily 425 words with our research paper paper 1,000 words but i can do it.

i can't keep my thoughts straight.
nor can i keep a sentence on this thing without fixing it or deleting it.

spellcheck on this computer just doesnt exist.
seeing you today.
rachels tonight.

i think/speak in fragments.

#!@#!$$

one B- and the other three are Bs. So happy but now I have eng 122 AND spe 121. blah. the courses seem too good to be true already but who knows. as long as i have my first paper [ which is due at 9am ] tomorrow I'm good.

I think in fragments.

______

The boys from H & M followed me hah.
I continue to question boys. Or maybe its just I'm getting even pickier? Didn't think thats quite possible though but today proved me wrong. Usually I let cute boys slide when it comes to being a complete idiot but this time was just too hard. Even with those baby blues, the fact that he couldn't form a " structured " sentence just drove me nuts. Not to be rude, but I think the only way you got through school was by banging the professors.
A few hours later I found myself making excuses and just saying maybe you were tired? Maybe it was a long day?

Ugh those baby blues.

_______

Sometimes I like to write to people cause I get nervous in person, no matter how close they are.


I'm proud of the talk we had, I miss everything we used to be and am happy that we can start to be like that again. We have a slow yet steady pace but we can do it. We share the same brain sometime, we think alike, we cry at the same times [ which isn't a lot actually ], we have gone through more then any others out age and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Sleepover soon.

When I listen to Rooney, I think of you. When I really need something, you give it. Your leaving again soon and I'm scared cause this time your going to be farther and I don't want to lose touch. I'm giving you another going away present. I don't need anything this time, your dalmatian sits on my dashboard and keeps me safe.

We had our first heart to heart over the summer and I noticed we've grown so much and its odd because I saw myself heading into your direction, not with academics but with ahem but in fact, i steered clear from it and well you headed for it and lord knows what you do on the weekends. we didn't hang during the thanksgiving break but we both plan on seeing each other this winter. I want to do my best to take care of you, I do feel protective but only cause I see your potential and don't want you to ruin it like others we know have.


_______
I don't look forward to getting presents.
I don't look forward to be disappointed with creativity.
I don't look forward to the feeling that not the WHOLE family is there.

I just don't look forward to this holiday anymore.



I can't stop thinking in fragments.

i just dont know

recently I've been catching up with old friends and its weird, so much has changed but a lot still stays the same.

we think the same, still can finish sentences, still carry around the same things we gave each other as college going away presents

so I doubt my thoughts are even going to make sense, they're pretty unorganized but here I go..

I had a whole list of things that show how I have just been a weird friend.. well not weird but just not cool friend and I'm sorry. I must be retarded or something cause I really can't remember what are specific examples but next time I do, I'm writing them down and we'll have a talk about it.

i pretty much wanna say sorry for not being appreciative of a good friendship.
i may actually call you or something about it later if i can actually organize my brain.

<33

Sometimes I wonder

How stupid can I really be?

I fall for someone I haven't even MET yet but when there is someone with potential I don't give them the time of day. Yeah I make my day or night or whatever free JUST in case I feel like it but then last second I fill it up with something I can't get out of. I'm just stupid I guess. Maybe I hope that something will work out in the end with the person from far away but who am I kidding, it probably won't. I'm just not lucky like that. I don't get the people I want. I bitch and complain about it too but if I guess if I was a bit less of a bitch and picky I could shut up and find someone decent but I don't. Whatever. I'm going to see him in December so we'll see what happens. As horrible as this sounds I doubt its going to work out in my favor.

Besides that, life is so good.

I admitted to the brothers in my group in English that I prejudged them and didn't like them until we were forced to work together. It feels good to let things out like that. They joked around about it and everything is good now. I'm so happy about that, I like when we work together then with my old " clique " and I'm happy they left theirs. Work is better that way, and class is way more fun. I'm the suga momma in the group apparently and I don't think I would want it any other way.

woah

What I Want

to figure things out
to know where I'm going
to know what I'm actually doing
to make a difference. oh i will.

i need a night out
a night where i just take the car and go
find a town and learn its history
meet people from there
and just fall in love with a place.

its been so long since I've done that.

Cleaning up my computer

Whoever sent me " The General " by Dispatch, thank you.


Moraine is on Thursday.
Crossing my fingers I have off.

Vega

Was fun :D
They're so good.



I wish I was at the beach.

Summer as follows pt 2

Breathe Carolina was so good.

So was one of the bands that played with Van Atta High. Unfortunately I didn't get to see them but I will one of these days.

Missed Scenes and Sirens and that sucks cause i really wanted to see them but hopefully i will next time they come.

Also missed Charades/ The Title and Can You Keep A Secret.
Honestly, I don't know how many times I've seen them but I miss being at one of their shows every weekend.

Warped Tour was a close one. Also a dangerous one.

Millionaires was last night. Again, soo good. Hyper crush did amazing and so did this other band but I cant remember their name.

The Medic Droid was tonight. SAWEEET. Grinding with Hector [ my favorite ] and he broke my necklace and dropped my keys. Like a gentleman though he fixed it :D

Another post coming, nothing to do with this, its tonights ride home.

darker and cut


i wish it would grow super long already

Aug 9th

Rooney.

PUMPED

Dont hate on the Jonas Brothers
Kennedy, your a middle aged Mtv has been with a shitty radio talk show
Its not nice to be jealous cause they're way more popular then you were and ever will be.

Alright enough of that.. long one coming.

I miss going to shows.
Its been to one since Breathe Carolina but I miss the small, local shows.

Charades & Can you keep a secret on sunday.
Warped tour on monday.

Way more excited for sunday

Fucking miss

My crazy long ass hair.







then I got it cut:





and now its like this:



Can't wait until its that long again.

Well this is how it went:

?
Between You and Nick Piereth

Nick Piereth
Add as Friend
July 17 at 4:18pm
Report Message
we are not friends nor will we ever be friends. so don't bother trying to add me again cuz it's not gunna happen. and delete my number cuz those random texts i sometimes get from you are annoying, i don't talk to fuckin spics like you so stop trying to talk to me! i would of never gone out with you if i knew you were spanish!

Vivian Chavarria
July 17 at 8:00pm
wise words from a college dropout

Nick Piereth
Add as Friend
July 18 at 10:03am
Report Message
Just don't talk to me bitch. College isn't for everyone, i know i'll be more sucessful in life than you will because spics are a fuckin waste of life, they never amount to much.

Vivian Chavarria
July 18 at 12:23pm
Yes of course you will be very successful, way more then myself, I mean look at all you have going for you: high school education, working at a sub shop, a chick who has cheated on you and you were too much of a pussy to leave, and a wonderful attitude. God thats just wonderful. All I have is a college education, going to be working at an investment agency, no kid, a backbone and I'm also bilingual [ speak two languages just in case you didn't know ] which will get me a way better job then you will have Mr. Piereth.

And on that note, I shall be leaving cause talking to you is just lowering my IQ. Go take care of your kid instead of trying to convince yourself that your better then me, cause you know your going to be stuck in Edison and your life is going to suck.


Nick Piereth
Add as Friend
July 18 at 4:46pm
Report Message
fuck you! don't bring my girlfriend into this or my kid! and no i'll be leaving edison, going to long beach island to own my own store. they are the best thing in my life and no i'm not pussy for not leaving her , i love her to much, i was a pussy for not breaking up with you when i found out you were spanish. that whole bilingual thing is crap ,you live in america english is this only language you should be speaking.

Vivian Chavarria
July 18 at 9:06pm
God your annoying.
What a waste of human being.

Peace!


It all started when he had the kid and I congratulated him.
Hahah next time an ex has a kid, totally not saying anything. Good nor bad.

Oh and also

Tuesday the 15th was probably one of the best days in a while.

Such a chill morning/ afternoon with a crazy night.

Breathe Carolina!





:D

Nothing gold can stay

Its so true.

People change, feelings change, what you always thought you wanted in life can change.
Some who you felt you would be friends with forever just don't matter much and others who you thought weren't anything really have taught you so much and just bring joy and peace in your life. Some are more alike then others and some are as opposite yet it works out so perfectly. Feelings towards people change and maybe its not the best for the entire group but its best for YOU and thats all that should matter cause in the end, its just you, no one else.

Sometimes you question feelings just to either protect yourself or to convince yourself that your in control. Well my shield is down and I don't have control. Not sure if I quite like it or not but I'm just going to go with the flow.




Theres an underlying tension

Theres just so much

Worth smiling about.

Sums up life at this very moment.
Parents that love me, friends who I adore and a car that hasn't broken down on me yet!
The rest? Pshh its all minimal and non important.

No reason to frown :)

_________


Long car rides ahead of me.
The only worth taking.

Dear God,

let it be tomorrow already.

love, vivian

Summer as follows..

Didnt go to see The Title or Charades..

BreatheCarolina
Jul 15 2008 7:00P
SCHOOL OF ROCK w/ A Skylit Drive, Sky Eats Airplane, Emarosa S. Hackensack, New Jersey

VanAttaHigh
Jul 18 2008 6:00P
School of Rock!! South Hackensack, New Jersey

ScenesAndSirens
Jul 19 2008 3:00P
Hamilton Lanes w/Racing Kites and Miles From Home Hamilton, New Jersey

Charades/TheTitle
Jul 20 2008 5:00P
The Title’s Tour Closer @ The Stillwater Inn Stillwater, New Jersey

CanYouKeepASecret
Jul 26 2008 8:00P
dAnGErUs Fest - Hamilton Starz Gymnasium Mercerville, New Jersey

WarpedTour
Jul 28 2008 12:00P
Vans Warped Tour Englishtown, New Jersey

Millionaires
Aug 12 2008 6:30P
THE BARBARY COAST PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania

TheMedicDroid
Aug 13 2008 6:30P
The Stone Pony w/ KILL HANNAH, INNER PARTY SYSTEM AND THE WHITE TIE AFFAIR Asbery Park, New Jersey

VegaUnderFire
Aug 17 2008 6:00P
TBA w/ Vega Under Fire! Hamilton, New Jersey




gonna be updated every once and a while

Theres just so much of today

that went right. Things I didn't even plan on happening or going to just worked out so nicely. I've never felt more at home with people who aren't my family, never felt more comfortable around some of which I haven't seen since I was a baby. Since birth they've seen me grow up, been to my birthday parties yet I have been so nervous and not willing to see them but today showed me how wrong I was. Their family and family friends have been so kind and sweet to me and made me just feel so good about myself. I miss them already.


Juanes Juanes Juanes Juanes Juanes

Beach tomorrow :)

Its like as

Everyone knows and they just want to make it all better. God I love my friends.

As for the situation, just praying for the best and expecting the worst.

The Roadtrip

Friday [ June 20th ] morning to Monday [ June 23rd ] morning.

-We left Edison around eleven and left for Oneanta, NY.
-Spent a good four to five hours driving. Encountered many new people, strange places and learned like all the words to the songs to the Make A Scene cd.
Hung out with the guys, met & partied with some serious hippies, drank, listened to music and watched the guys play. Slept in the room with the guys and like two of the guys friends. Breona and I woke up way too early and had to hang with kids in another room because everyone was still sleeping in our room.
-The drive back home made me just feel so good. Just remembering the night before put such a smile on our faces. Showered in Hoboken and hung out with Kevin and Evan for a little.
-Drove to New Brunswick to say hey to the Crow guys and see how they have been. Went to Westwood and dropped Breona off in Allendale. She hung out with Justin and I went to see Jordan. Went back around 4am and crashed at Crow.
-Woke up and drove to the Pompton Lakes. Saw the show and hung out with Can You Keep A Secret. Such sweet guys, they've been my favorite group of guys since the interview. Drove back to Jordans house and hung out with the guys there, drank a little Soco and drove back to Edison.

So in total:
Vistited/ Showered in :
- Oneanta
- Pompton Lakes
- Allendale
- Westwood
- New Brunswick
- Hoboken

Slept in :
- My Car
- Edison [ Chris' house ]
- New Brunswick
- Westwood
- Oneanta

Total of hours slept : 12
Total of hours driving: 20ish.

If I could do it all over, I wouldn't change a thing.

Its three thirty four in the AM

And I'm up. Mostly because Jordan just wants to talk and I want to talk to him but also I've gotten to a point where I've developed a stomachache / headache so i cant go to sleep. Yesterday was my birthday, cant complain it went really well. I went to two shows [ Charades and The Appreciation Post ]. They did really well, I'm proud of both of them. Thats when Jordan and i started talking again. our first encounter wasn't anything really, it was just him promoting the band but this time since we went to see them, he couldn't really say anything.

I felt really uncomfortable there mostly because it was at a bar with older people and thats just not really my thing but we stayed to see them. Of course the guy wearing a speedo comes over and talks to us. It turned out that he was actually a good guy, pretty interesting, talking to us about Buddah and all that sort.

Recently, I just got back from hanging out with Josh, Jordan and Breona. She slept over but quickly went to bed. It was nice spending time with them, they are such chill and down to earth guys, Jordan and I are going to the city on Tuesday to run some errands. Hes such a great guy, hes like me in guy form. I dont know, it just is haha.


Alright the real reason I came to write.
There was a post secret card that in a way got to me. This is the link:
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7y8W-i6-I1FS7gJ7GsXg8w007DfSl2Z3qfYVejl1r3WvWgRtYuw7f-XnAsJDPsZ-pMF-lzdsIVwWvbXTXdZAVTKuSlqmVBi3ujwJbw_QoSfMlTtu28a35CEENmbKCNPR03ovQmrSQoAA/s1600-h/grandpa.jpg
Well let me fill you in with the back story. I love both my grandmothers, they are superwoman to me. Esp the one that lives in America. Shes suffered so much, two strokes, cancer, you name it, either she has it or has had it. Also with suffered so much, shes also a widow. Both are. I went to one of my grandfathers graves two summers ago and it was just something so emotional. It was the first time I've gone to their graves and to stand there with my parents as they cried, it was something I've never experienced. We went to my fathers grave and he just couldn't take it. Someone from the family held him and i just bawled. To see my father in so much pain, I just didn't know how to take it. My mother was worse, no one in the family remembers where he was buried so we couldn't even visit him. All she ever wanted to do was put flowers and pay respects but thats not possible. I know both my grandmothers miss them. I miss them too and never even met them. I wish i knew where my grandfather on my moms side was buried.